Dear B
This day every year, I talk to you, I write to you and I apologize to you. Because I could not fulfill my promise of a life time commitment and no other guilt bogs me down as heavily as this.
The days we spent together are still fresh as morning dew. I remember when I first met you vividly enough for a movie to be playing in front. Actually it was your brother I saw first, calm and controlled. I could instantly identify with him being the eldest. I thought it was responsible of him to keep an eye on all of you. And while I was busy shaking hands with him, you quietly sneaked in and started nibbling on my toe. Your playfulness struck its chord with me instantly. You were everything I did not want - Impish, mischievous and unruly. You looked up, straight in my eyes and the decision was made. You were coming home.
No sooner had you entered the house, all hell broke loose. My parents were still recovering from the sight of you whilst you attacked mum's favorite plant and unearthed it. That marked the beginning of disquiet and unsettling. Daily my day would begin with your complains. Sometimes it was dad's favorite shoe, at other it would be mum's garden, yet ahead would be common interests like remotes, clothes, mobiles and the list was endless. But I loved you and it grew fonder and deeper. I could not bear the sight of loosing you. My social life was instantly cut off since the only thing I wanted was to be close to you. I started hating all those who showed reluctance towards accepting you. But I knew one day you would triumph all hearts. The day came soon. Mum was not well. I was running helter skelter for her medicines, food. Like a true family you did not get up from her bed side with eyes constantly monitoring her every movement. Your eyes showed every bit of helplessness and concern over her illness. You did not eat neither did you sleep. Nothing could have been more joyous for me than the sight of mum patting you. My tears of joy streamed down seeing you happy. We had won the battle. There was no looking back thereafter. The complains stopped and they were replaced by admiration, participation and blind adoration.
Not sure if you ever realized how my parents and sister became your parents and sister. Kids started addressing us by your name. Oh what pride swelled my heart. How you would not stand any competition. You demanded all love and attention. No wonder toddlers and you did not get along. And your brave heartedness.....although you were petrified of everything that walked on fours, you would not let anyone close to me. I was yours and yours alone.
Years turned into days and flew by with wings. I can never forget the day when that ghastly fatal disease seized you. I thought it was just another bout of self retrospection that you often indulged in by refusing to eat and play. It struck me so late and so hard. You were dying. You were being snatched away in bits and pieces. No amount of medical attention could save you. Your agony was killing me. You cut away from all of us not wanting to trouble any more. When accidently our eyes met all they had was plea. Oh B, that sight haunts me till date, the remorse bites into me every day. Not a day goes by when I don't ask god for a private meeting with you. I wish to apologize to you in person. I want you to know that my love for you was beyond births and beyond life. Deciding to let you go was the toughest decision I ever made or will make in future. Please know that I did not choose to end your life, I chose to end your pain and suffering. It is very difficult for people who love when they know there is nothing they can do to lessen it. I did not desert you, I liberated you. I wanted to liberate myself too in that spur of moment for there was nothing after you. But I chose to live and keep your musings fresh and strong in my heart.
Bosco, you are missed every single moment of my life. And if it gives you comfort, please learn I will never love any one more than you.
Always yours
P
