There are some things money can't buy

Have been thinking for quite some time now on my next blog. Do not want to waste time on any nonsensical subject, but there are few things on mind which choose not to leave me. I was watching Deewar- the Big B blockbuster yesterday night. I have always watched this movie for just one dialogue-'Mere paas... MA hai' and everytime burst into peels of laughter on the dialogue delivery of Shashi Kapoor. Time and again I dismissed this dialogue as just another routine one wondering what is so great with it.

Yesterday I was cooking my dinner when Shashi Kapoor emoted out softly the immortal lines. For the first time I could not laugh it off. Reason....yeah....mere paas ma nahi hai. And why just Mom I do not have any loved one near. The quest for money and desire for growth, a pseudo measure of success, has thrown me into oblivion. I had everything when I was with my family in Udaipur. Yet I wanted to move out, no strong logic for that. I was impressed by the independent woman of today living her life on her own terms. Did my parents ever question my outings...I can't recall a single incident. I had promised myself I would marry only when I embark on the road to success. My journey is well on track.....working with one of the best brand, earning more than enough for myself, living alone on my terms.

While I was in Hyderabad MA had a slip disc again. I was with her last time she had it. I know the pain she endures and do not trust anyone with her care. This time I found myself in the league of all those heartless children who leave their ailing parents alone. How I would never spare a single instance of cursing them and empathising with such elderlies. I would vouch to my parents I will never let them be one of them. Now I understand why they always laughed it off. They are seasoned enough to know life. I can give 10,000 excuses of why I am not heartless but none can alter practicality. Figament of my life was ailing and I chose to ignore it. I would not even talk to her on phone cause I could not stand the pain she was in. For the first time I realized I had lost myself to materialism.

Off late I have begun liking these lines more than ever,"Sara Samunder mere pass hai, ek boond paani meri pyaas hai". I have money but whom do I splurge on!! I have time but whom do I spend it with. My life has become a perfect example of Karthik calling Karthik minus the calls and a soulmate. I yearn for a social life. But I do not miss anyone probably because I have become a loner. My desire to rise has snatched all rights of attachments and bondings.

My parents were here last week. How I enjoyed going back home to noise, laughter and love. I was not the person who ever regreted. But this line of thought has not left me since the past 2 months. What is that I am running after. Money, I know, it was always short for me, but what else. Why can't I wait and enjoy the savouries of life. I have always been in love with rains....the platter of raindrops gives me pleasure unmatched. What is stopping me to call sick and enjoy getting drenched in the blessing one day. I love reading but do not remember when was the last time I finished some soapy romance in a single night. I love public speaking, why don't I go after my childhood dream of becoming a war reporter. There are so many why's in my life and nobody has stopped me from seeking answers. I have earned enough to sustain myself. It is just that I lack courage...courage to swim in waters unknown. I have never been a high maintenance girl, am content with road side shacks selling good food but I am developing a taste for 5 star luxury. The reason again eludes itself from my grasp. I love keeping in touch with my people.....I am trying to become lazy on calls.

I have started talking to myself.......I know it is an art and renowned philosophers and gurus preach it.....but I talk because I don't have anyone who will understand, who will help me search answers. Work is becoming my love because I do not have humans to love. I throw this question often to myself ....why do human beings pine for what is not and end up complicating things.

My autobiography can be summarised well by DEEWAR between AB and SK

Mere paas gaadi hai, bungla hai, Daulat hai.

But I chose to let go of MA. I had her once....no longer. Time is running out and I am running away from Time.